A Realistic Interpretation of the 10 Commandments FOR MODERN AMERICAN SOCIETY

(Warning: do not read unless you are prepared to be offended. this demonstrates the intensity and anger that most animal rights advocates feel living in a anthropocentric society)

By Anonymous

 1.  Thou shalt have no other gods before me...but you humans can line up right behind me on the hierarchical ladder in order to suppress and wantonly decimate the rest of nature.

or (as a viable alternative)

1.  Thou shalt put no other Gods before me, except the gods of consumerism and profit.

2.  Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, unless the replacement "religion" offers strong advice on how to succeed as a day trader,  how to buy real estate with no money down, or how to become the American Idol. And don't forget to be respectful of me and truly thankful at the religious holidays by greedily devouring a helpless turkey, pig, or cow. Also, never forget about Abel, the good boy, who brought me a proper gift of dead animals while his evil brother Cain gave me fruits and vegetables. How evil is that!

3.  Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, but thou shall make derogatory slurs against nonhumans—such as "fat as a pig," "dumb as a ox," "scared as a mouse" -- so no one will forget they are inferior beings.

4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy...unless there is a football game to attend and some dead pig parts in a bun that need to be eaten.

5.  Honor thy mother and thy father...that is, the mother of Capitalistic invention and greed; and the fathers of our country who are real men who eat meat

6.  Thou shalt not kill... a human, but thou can do whatever ghastly and "butcher-like" act one wants to any nonhuman animal with little to no penalty of law and a spiritual free pass from the Almighty who only really cares about people.

7.  Thou shalt not commit adultery...but if you have sex with an animal, it is considered a misdemeanor (Section 76-9-301) since the rape victim has no legal rights, intrinsic value, or standing in court. This misdemeanor rule does not hold if you are a male living in Lebanon: in that case, you are legally allowed to have sex with female animals.

8.  Thou shalt not steal...and especially not set free, property defined as a bleeding animal with amputated limbs awaiting an excruciating and terrifying death in a cold, dark, university vivisection lab.

9.  Thou shalt not lie...unless it is to oneself about man's inflated importance on the Great Chain of Being and how animals enjoy having this great chain tethered around their necks choking them to death.

10. Thou shalt not covet ones neighbor's goods. Thou shalt not covet ones neighbor's house, ones neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his BULL, nor his DONKEY, nor anything that is your neighbor's PROPERTY. (See commandment #  8 for the definition of property. Many FBI agents and government officials think the Animal Liberation Front (ALF) are involved in "covet operations" when in fact they are involved in "covert operations." Perhaps this explains why the penalty for stealing a rat AWAY from a research lab is punishable by life in prison while stealing a dog FOR a research lab can result in a small fine.

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